


Empty Space

by Holtzmannsgirlfriend



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, SO SORRY, honestly i'm really sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 02:52:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11431647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holtzmannsgirlfriend/pseuds/Holtzmannsgirlfriend
Summary: Erin falls in love.Holtzmann falls apart.





	Empty Space

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to Storms by Fleetwood Mac when I got the idea to write this. I probably should've pushed that idea away  
> instead of torturing poor Holtz, but...I didn't.

Erin says "I have a date"

Holtzmann feels the first crack appear in her heart. It's a sharp and steady pain, and it hurts a lot, but she still smiles wide and bright. Even lets out a high pitched whistle and a "Good going, hot stuff!" before excusing herself from the room.

Slipping into a coat closet, she stands in the dark and clutches her chest, tries to regulate her breathing. She tells herself over and over again that it's alright, that Erin's happiness is what really matters.  
  
But it doesn't feel alright. It fucking hurts.

Later, as she watches Erin leave, she smiles and tells herself that it's just one date. It doesn't mean anything. There's still hope.

**_______________________________**

"We're going to dinner again tonight. I think I really lucked out this time!"

She feels another crack appear before her heart falls down into her stomach.

_Stop_

_Why are you so selfish?_

_Look at how happy she is!_

And so she smiles, whistles, makes Erin giggle and blush with an off-color joke about _him_.

She decides to ignore the pitiful look Abby shoots her and excuses herself, heads back to the closet. She hides herself in the dark with a hand pressed to the flesh above her heart. She's so confused as to how it can still beat when it hurts this badly.

**_______________________________**

She can't help but notice the looks they give her. She always hears the pity in their voices when they speak to her.

"You know, there's plenty of fish in the sea, baby." Patty says

"It's just not meant to be. You can't beat yourself up about it, Holtz." Abby tries

And the engineer smiles, thanks them, says:

_I'm fine_  
_I'm alright_  
_I'm okay_  
_Don't worry about me_  
_I love you guys_

And she smiles, wide and bright. They smile back, satisfied, and go back downstairs. She sits down at her workbench intending to finish her latest invention, but she just counts the burn marks in the wood instead.

14, 15, 16, _her nose, her lips, her eyes..._

_Stop it!_

26, 27, 28, _her smile..._ 29, _why can't she love me instead..._

She gives up and stands, abandoning her lab for the dark closet once more.

**_______________________________**

"He's taking me to Italy for our anniversary! Can you believe it?!"

Erin is so happy, and she's beaming at Holtz, completely unaware that the engineer's heart is mere seconds away from bursting apart.

She hides it well, hands holding the edge of the desk so hard that her knuckles are turning white, and she smiles. Wide and bright.

"That's so great, Er! So romantic!"

Erin nods her head, still unaware, and goes back to telling Holtzmann about how lucky she feels. Her knuckles are going numb and she's gritting her teeth so hard that she fears they'll shatter, but she smiles through it. She looks Erin in the eye and says, "I'm so happy for you."

It's not a lie. She loves seeing Erin so happy and in love. She radiates joy and Erin looks so good with a permanent smile plastered on her face. But god, it hurts.

So she makes her way back to the closet and hyperventilates in the dark. She clutches her chest and begs her heart to hold on for just a little while longer.

**_______________________________**

Holtzmann hears Erin arrive at the firehouse and bolts for the stairs, eager to see her face and smell her perfume regardless of the way it makes her chest ache. She turns at the bottom of the stairs to see her friends standing in a circle, examining Erin's hand.

_...no_

She hears Patty say "I didn't think they could even make diamonds this big! Way to go, girl!" but it sounds far away.

_please, please, please...no_

And Abby is crying and squealing and pulling her best friend into a hug, saying "You're going to be so happy together!"

And that's when she feels something collapse within herself. She feels the numbness as it washes over her body. She hears her thoughts go silent. She looks at Erin, sees the light in her eyes, and tries to smile but she can't. She tries to turn and run back up the stairs to the safety of the closet but she can't. Her muscles don't work anymore.

Suddenly Erin is hugging her and she's crying with a smile, saying "Holtz, can you believe it?!"

She sees Abby avoiding her eyes over the physicist's shoulder, sees the sympathetic look on Patty's face. She can't feel her mouth moving but she hears her own emotionless voice.

"This is so great, Er. I'm so happy for you."

**_______________________________**

She smiles her way through the wedding. She blinks away the tears that form when she sees Erin in her gown walking down the isle, toward _him_. She doesn't let herself think about how it should be her standing there in the suit.

She smiles and drinks her champagne while she watches their first dance. She does her best to shake off the coldness creeping up her spine as she watches _him_ kiss Erin's neck.

She prays to Gods she doesn't believe in, begging them to let her body go numb again every single time she sees Erin smile at _him_.

_she'll never smile at me that way_

She squeezes Patty's hand as they watch Erin and her groom walk to the waiting limousine. Patty's hand aches but she understands, she doesn't pull it away.

Erin turns to look at her friends before she climbs through the door of the limo, glowing and radiant and happy, and Holtzmann feels that all too familiar ache in her chest. She manages a smile, but it's empty.

**_______________________________**

That night she shuts off the bathroom light and nestles herself in the empty space between the toilet and the sink, trying to make herself feel as tiny as possible. Pressing her face against the cool porcelain of the toilet, she listens to the ringing in her ears, feels her entire body aching and takes notice of how the silence seems to magnify the pain. She tries her best to change the direction of her thoughts, but eventually she thinks of Erin and breaks. Covering her mouth with one hand she lets the deep, guttural sobs escape as her body folds in on itself. She cries until she falls asleep hours later, head resting against the toilet.

Abby finds her there the next morning. Says "Oh, Holtzy" and pulls her into a tight embrace. But Holtzmann doesn't feel it, she doesn't feel anything.

**_______________________________**

On Erin's first day back after her honeymoon, Holtz doesn't rush down the stairs to meet her. She doesn't go downstairs at all.

When Erin pops her head in the door to say hello, Holtz doesn't look up from her work. Just grunts and mutters a quick "Hey". She feels a tinge of pain in her chest at the hurt look she sees on Erin's face out of the corner of her eye, but she ignores it, goes back to work.

When Patty brings her a sandwich later, she confronts the engineer. "What the hell are you doing, Holtzy? This ain't Erin's fault. She's allowed to be happy! Don't you dare take what you're feeling out on her!"

When she leaves Holtzmann throws the sandwich in the trash and holds her head in her hands. Patty's right.

She spends the next hour trying to muster up the strength to talk to Erin and eventually makes her way downstairs. Pulling up a chair to the physicist's desk, she feigns her usual swagger and makes a dirty joke about the honeymoon.

Erin blushes. Holtz bites the inside of her cheek until it bleeds.

After talking for an hour, Holtz stands and announces that she has to get back to work. As she turns to walk toward the stairs, she feels Erin grip her wrist lightly.  
  
"Holtzmann?"

"Yeah, Er?"

"I'm sorry."

She looks in Erin's eyes and sees pity.

She knows.  
  
She's not as good of an actress as she thought she was.

She flashes a quick, soft smile at Erin. "Don't be, hot stuff. I'm just...glad you're happy."

She quickly makes her way upstairs, refusing to let the physicist see her cry.

**_______________________________**

Over time it gets easier. She can look at Erin without feeling like she's going to die. She can listen to Erin talk about _him_ without having to excuse herself to the bathroom to quietly vomit. Sometimes she even manages to admire Erin's smile without immediately wanting to throw herself off the roof of the firehouse. Things go back to normal. Mostly.

Holtzmann doesn't flirt with Erin anymore and nobody mentions it. They don't pair up together on busts anymore and nobody mentions it. They don't sit next to each other in the booth at the bar anymore and nobody mentions it. When Patty or Abby constantly catch Holtz staring longingly at Erin, they don't mention it.

At night, when Holtzmann lays in the dark and thinks about what it would be like to hear Erin say "I love you" and mean it, she doesn't cry anymore. She just goes to sleep and dreams about the life they could've had instead. And when she wakes up, she paints a smile on her face and goes to work. She completely ignores the ache in her chest. 

Because Erin is in love

_(with someone else)_

And Erin is happy

_(with someone else)_

And that's all that matters.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I don't know why I allowed myself to write this. Yell at me in the comments, I deserve it.


End file.
